Rock and Smoky.the.Elf
26 December 1997

   The strangest thing happened to me this morning.  I was in the Rock Talk chat room, just hanging out.  It was kind of quiet.  But then I was joined by Smoky.the.Elf.  I cannot attest that he was or was not an elf, or, even if he is an elf, that he really works for Santa.  We had a very interesting conversation, and fortunately I remembered to copy the text and save it to a file.

   This is an edited version of that file, basically to make the text more HTML friendly.  Whether you believe it or not, I don't care.  I am glad I have the opportunity to record it for the sake of history.

<Rock>

Hi, Smoky.the.Elf!

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Hi, Cary.  How are you doing?

 

[ ... pause ... ]

<Rock>

?? my name is Rock.  I'm doing ok.  Just hanging out.  You?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Fine, pretty good, actually.  Things have calmed down here a lot.  Until next October it's easy living.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

and, Cary, cut the crap.  Your name is Cary.  It says so in the META Author field.

 

[ ... long pause ... ]

<Rock>

Hey, what the hell are you talking about?  This is a chat room, not a web page.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

It's a chat room right now, for you and I.  But for everyone else, it is going to be a web page.  Cary.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

and for God's sake get some pants on.  It's 11:30 in the morning.  Do you not have a life?

<Rock>

Look, I don't know who you are or how you know or think you know what I am or am not wearing.  What difference does it make anyway?  I don't have to work today.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

get a clue, dude.  I'm an elf.  Specifically I'm one of "Santa's Elves".  You know the song:

<Smoky.the.Elf>

He knows when you've been sleeping.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

He knows when you're awake.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

He knows when you've been bad or good.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

So be good for goodness sake!

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Well, I used to be in charge of that department.

<Rock>

:-) oooohhkaaaay, you're an elf.  And you want to start the conversation with an anachronism concerning my name.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

You catch on quick for Man Flesh.

<Rock>

that's what all the guys say :-)

<Smoky.the.Elf>

oh, do not even start.  flirting with an elf.  You know what happened to the last human who tried to make it with an elf?  We brought him up here, gave him a red suit, and only let him leave once a year.

<Rock>

You mean Santa Claus?!?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

we call him Nick.

<Rock>

so you are saying he is being punished??

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Not really.  He can leave any time he wants.  It was kind of a one-year gag that just keeps going on.  And, besides, he likes it here; he likes being "Santa Claus".

<Smoky.the.Elf>

and if he rejoins you-all, he will start aging again.

<Rock>

Oh, so you are saying Santa Claus is something like an old Peter Pan?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

hell no!  Peter is a lot sexier.  nothing like Robin Williams.  more like a teen mixture of Lukas Ridgeston and Johan Paulik.

+

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Nick is not bad looking.  If he could control his weight, begin working out a bit, and start shaving again...

<Rock>

I hear you.  Can't get past that picture you put in my mind about Peter Pan, though.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

I can tell.  This is almost embarrassing.  Your briefs don't hide much -- get some pants on, ok?  I'll call you Rock if you put on your Levi's.

<Rock>

ok, ok.  just a sec...

<Rock>

There, is that better?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Yes, Rock. much better.  Thank you.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

cute butt

<Rock>

!! thanks !!  Too bad I can't see you.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Yes, it is.

<Rock>

Hey, I have some questions...

<Smoky.the.Elf>

I know; that is why I stopped by.

<Rock>

Cool!  Ummm, how come I never see any pictures of girl elves?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

You just haven't looked at the right pictures.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

No, that is not fair.  There are about three guy elves for every girl elf.

<Rock>

Why is that?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Hell if I know.

<Rock>

Are elves as horny as humans?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

<smile> What do you think we are doing between early January and late October?

<Rock>

...so that's a yes...

<Smoky.the.Elf>

...that's a very yes!  probably hornier, but just like humans, it varies from elf to elf.

<Rock>

you mean the amount of horniness?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

What the hell are we talking about, Rock?!  Yes, horniness.  Why are you trying to dumb this down, like an NPR interview or something?

<Rock>

sorry, just wanted to be sure.  So, if elves are really horny, and 75% of all elves are guys, then are most elves gay?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

All elves are gay.  Male and female.  We do have heterosexual sex once in a while.  It is kind of a duty, to continue the species.

<Rock>

When was the last time you made it with a chick?  girl-elf?  whatever.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

<smile> They do not like to be called elfettes any more.  "Female elf" is the politically correct term, currently.  About 200 years ago.

<Rock>

That's a long time ago!

<Smoky.the.Elf>

We live a long time.

<Rock>

How long?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

I do not really know.  Except for stupid accidents and a couple of suicides, none of us have died yet.

<Rock>

Wow, that is amazing!  ... Why would an elf commit suicide?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

In both cases they fell in love with a human.  The humans got old and died...

<Rock>

So elves don't get involved with humans.  :-(

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Oh, we do.  We just have to limit our emotional attachment.

<Rock>

anonymous sex?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

yuch!  What do you think I am, human??  I would not stay awake with anyone who was not also a friend.

<Rock>

"stay awake with" -- you mean "sleep with"?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

I mean what I said.  Yes, eventually we sleep, but the emphasis of this conversation is what we do while awake.

<Rock>

Do you have to be so picky with words?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Yes.  Human languages are very inexact, and I choose not to compound the inexactitude.

<Rock>

<laughing>

<Smoky.the.Elf>

<smile> It is not really funny, though.  If you ever learn Elf, you will know what I mean.

<Rock>

ok.  Hey, another question.  Are there really flying reindeer?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Yes.  of course.  Just because you have not seen one does not mean they do not exist.

<Rock>

Rudolph, Dancer, Prancer, Blitzen,...?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Those are some of their names, yes.  And, by the way, Rudolph's nose is not the only part of him that glows.  <smile>

<Rock>

I don't know why, but I have always pictured all of Santa's reindeer as male.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

They are.  Female reindeer do not fly.  No, I do not know why.  Maybe they just choose not to.  And how many chick's do you know who want to stay up all night carrying around a fat man and big bags of assorted goods?

<Rock>

Um, are Santa's reindeer gay, too?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

About half of them are.  They all get along well, the straight and the gay.  Prancer is a prima donna bitch, though, and sometimes she intentionally riles things up.

<Rock>

I thought you said all of them were male?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

I did.  They are.

<Rock>

ok, I get it.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

well, duh

<Rock>

Hey, I'm only human.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Sorry.  I know -- I am just pulling your, uh, chain.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Rock, I have to go pretty soon.  But there is one thing I want to tell you.

<Rock>

No problem, man.  I mean elf.  I hope to chat with you again!  What?

<Smoky.the.Elf>

You know there has been a lot of counterfeit NP (North Pole) goods being delivered, right?  We have decided next year that we will be putting custom labels on all genuine NP goods.

<Rock>

Well, until today I didn't know there were real NP goods...

<Smoky.the.Elf>

"clap your hands if you believe in Santa Claus"

<Rock>

[clap!][clap!]  (I thought that was Tinkerbell  :-)

<Smoky.the.Elf>

her too.  I'll e-mail you our first draft of the label.  Post it on this page, ok?

<Rock>

So you are closing with an anachronism as well?  :-)  I like it.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

I knew you would, Rock.  It has been great chatting with you.  Cool music, too, on your chat page.  I really like Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer.

<Rock>

Thanks.  I'll be sure to include your label when I get it.

<Smoky.the.Elf>

Have a great day, Rock!  bye for now

<Rock>

bye, Smoky.  I hope to hear from you soon.  (I guess you'll be keeping your eye on me...)

<Smoky.the.Elf>

:-)  so far, you have been pretty good.  We'll be in touch.

Here is the label Smoky sent:


hits since 27 December 1997
last modified 23 December 2013